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How I kill time when I’m freezing by R.L. Mathewson

As I’m sitting here, freezing my buns off in my office, I get a phone call from what is undoubtedly a solicitor. 

Yes, I’m going somewhere with this….

My phone tells me it’s from Delaware and I’m thinking, this just might end up entertaining me.

I was right 🙂

One of those computer generated voices that is programmed to respond to the human voice answers: 

“Hello, would you be interested in a free trip to Bahamas, all expenses paid for cabins that have gone unsold and all we ask in exchange is for you to post a good review online and tell your friends and family about us. Are you interested?”

Me: “I sure am!”

“Great!”

Me: “Great!”

“Now, I just need to ask you a few questions to make sure that you qualify for this free, all inclusive cruise to the Bahamas. Then if you qualify, I’ll transfer you over to a representative. Does that sound good to you?”

Me: “That sounds supercalafralagis to me.” 

“I’m sorry. I did not understand that. Could you repeat that please?” 

Me: “I said that Lisa is madly in love with Justin Bieber and snuggles a life-size pillow of him every night.”

“Okay, great!”

Me: “Great!”

“Will you be able to travel in the next 18 months?”

Me: “As long as my parole officer doesn’t find out.”

“Great! Now, are you at least 18 years or older?”

Me: “I sure as hell am!” 

“Wonderful!”

Me: “Isn’t it though?”

“Will you be able to find someone to join you on this free cruise who is at least 18 years or older?”

Me: “I’m sure I could find someone to come with me on this super free cruise that is most definitely not a scam!”

“Great! Just one last question, do you have a valid credit card? You’ll need one to board the ship and to use for any purchases that you make on the ship.”

Me: “Oh my god yes! I would love to give you my credit card number!”

“Congratulations, after reviewing your answers I have determined that you do qualify for this free trip to the Bahamas.”

Me: “I am shocked. Just shocked.”

“Please stay on the line while I transfer you to an operator that can help you secure your free trip to the Bahamas.”

Me: “A herd of wild boars hellbent on taking over the world couldn’t tear me away from this phone.” 

“Great!”

 Me: “Great!”

 **A minute goes by and I’m sitting here kind of getting bored and debating just hanging up instead of screwing with someone’s head, but then the operator answered the phone and started talking and I was like, Oh, what the hell….let’s do this!**

“Hello, and thank you for holding. On behalf of C—(You fill in the blank here) Cruise Lines, congratulations on being selected for a free cruise to the Bahamas.”

 Me: “Thank you!”

 “Are you excited about your trip?”

 Me: “I really am.”

“Great!”

Me: “Yes, it is. It’s great. It’s wonderful. I am so gosh darn excited right now.”

“Now, there is a fifty-nine dollar boarding fee for both you and your companion and the rest is free.”

Me: “Wow, only 59 bucks each? That’s a crazy awesome deal.”

 “It really is a good deal. You’re going to have a great time.”

 Me: “Oh, I can just tell.”

 “Before we get started, can I have your first name so that I know who I’m talking to?”

 Me: “Samuel.”

 “Samuel?” she repeats, sounding unsure for the first time during this call, which is sad cause I was laying the sarcasm on pretty heavy earlier.

 Me: “Yes, Samuel.”

 “Can you spell that for me?”

 Me: “I would love to. It’s S-i-e-a-e-i-o-u-m-e-i-e-a-and sometimes y”

 “Great!”

 Me: “Did you get that?”

 “Yes, I did.”

 Me: “Great!”

 “Now, all I need is a phone number so that I can put you in the system.”

 “That sounds awesome, but can you give me one second? I’m trying to do something quickly,” I said as I typed in “Free Cruise scams” in Google.

 “Yes, of course.”

 I got a lot of hits, so I decided to narrow it down.

 Me: “What’s the name of your company again?”

 “It’s C_________ Cruise Lines.”

 “Thank you,” I said, cause it’s the polite thing to do when someone is trying to rip you off.

 I typed in the name of the company and low and behold I get the shock of a lifetime.

 It’s a scam!

 Wow, I really did not see that one coming.

 So, as I’m surfing through reviews and warnings of the company taking their money, charging them an addition 350 for a cabin, the warning that this cruise ship is not really a ship and all this lovely stuff, she actually stays on the phone, waiting for five minutes.

 As I was reading some rather interesting information about them scamming disabled and elderly people I decided to ask a few questions of my own.

 Me: “Do I need a credit card today?”

 “Yes, you will need a credit to secure your trip as well as pay for everything on the boat.”

 Me: “I see…..”

 “I can take that information as well as your call back number when you’re ready,” she said, sounding super perky.

 Me: “Uh huh, hey, did you know that your company made CBS News?”

 “W-what?” she asked, sounding nervous.

 Me: “Yeah, CBS news did a report on your company and well, I just have to say that it was not flattering.”

“That’s not-“ she started to say, no longer sounding annoyingly chipper but with a hard tone of a really unfriendly female.

 “Uh oh,” I said, ignoring the fact that she was now flipping out on me, “Looks like the Better Business Bureau has a listing for you and ouch, you didn’t fair so well there.”

 “Now, you listen to me-“

 “Yeah, as much as I would love to stay on the phone with you, give you my money and be scammed out of a 118 bucks, I’m gonna have to hang up the phone now. You have yourself a supercalifragilus day.”

 This did entertain me for a bit there, but the moral of the story, don’t give your credit card information or any information over the phone to a company promising you free anything and if you have a few minutes to kill, these calls are a great way to kill some time. 

24 Responses to “How I kill time when I’m freezing by R.L. Mathewson”

  1. Jan Richard says:

    I’m going to do that too, small things amuse small etc. My fave answer when I get those calls is to say:
    I don’t have windows, so cleaning them is pointless, I don’t have any floors, furniture (add your own item) and I love to ask them to hold for a minute so I can take another call. Again I’m easily amused. Cheers and stay warm!

  2. Gwendolyn+Walker says:

    This is HILARIOUS! Good to see someone turn the tables on the scammers. Thanks for my good chuckle of the day.

  3. Elizabeth Marshall says:

    Oh man!!! I loved this!
    I hate scammers – especially the ones who take advantage and ruin livelihoods. I never have the nerve to play along and talk back when they call.
    This has made my day ;’)

  4. Deb MacArthur says:

    LOL working as an police disaptch- I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! You should talk at Senior Citizen Centers about these types of calls. Even when you explain it they don’t get it… perhaps you approach would help them to understand the scam call better. Thank you for the smiles!

  5. Kat Hook says:

    I laughed my arse off at this, I even told my hubby to read it and he laughed his arse off. You my friend are one funny woman xxx

  6. Kara says:

    I used to work for a telemarketing company – I was desperate – and on my 3rd day I called an elderly woman and started reading my script. This lady was a previous customer told me everything that the paper I was selling did to her (not sending her the paper every day/charging her credit card an insane amount of money after the “trial period” was over and never sending her something to warn her of the cost) so when she hung up after cursing me out I did an online search myself. I found out the company I worked for was a scam and had been reported numerous times to the Better Business Bureau. I was disgusted with myself for all the sales I had made the previous 2 days and no way of calling them back. The next call that came to my line, instead of reading my script I flat out told them the name of my company, why I was calling, and that to never accept these offers because they’re a scam and I apologized for wasting their time. The man on the phone thanked me for my honesty and apologized that I would more than likely be fired for my conscience. After a few more calls like that the manager heard what I was doing and fired me. Oops.

  7. Lori says:

    I’m sorry to be graphic but I about peed my pregnant self laughing so hard! This is one of the many reasons you are so awesome! Well done!

  8. Tracy M says:

    That was fab!!! I just let my answer machine kick in so usually miss these kinda calls…

    Maybe on a day when I’ve nothing to do I’ll try something like this…. Sounds like it could be a lot of fun!!! 😀

  9. barb says:

    Some company called my brother in law one time and he told them he needed money for a lawyer because he was going to jail. Of course he wasn’t but they didn’t call back

  10. Melissa Ann says:

    unfortunately this is attempted too often where im from…but as u said when u have time its very entertaining.

  11. Alicia says:

    Lol super funny, I usually just have to explain that I really “don’t” have a credit card and that no one near me has one and blah blah till they get bored w me. But what you did, very nice and oh so polite 😀

  12. Ginger says:

    I am so freaking glad I am not the only person that does this, although you are way more creative than I am. I let them babble on for a few minutes and say “You really did not think I would fall for that did ya.”
    For some reason, I alot of dial tones or expletives after that.

  13. Karen says:

    I love your humour but hate waiting for your awesome books. Are you sure you need to sleep? Eat? After all this is really all about me and my needs, why else would I be able to relate to the Bradford’s?

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